BETWEEN
THE LINES
Spring
Communication
By
Mason-Dixon
Authors’ disclaimer: The Sentinel and all related characters are the property of Paramount Pictures and Pet Fly Productions. No copyright infringement intended.
WARNING: This story contains
non-sexual, disciplinary spanking; it is slash and adult in nature.
May Day, the
celebration of spring, new life, rebirth, a new beginning, seems appropriate
some how. Jim and I have had our
arrangement for about two weeks now and nothing much has changed. He is not dragging me home every day at 5
beating me. LOL I
guess it's wrong to say nothing has changed, a lot actually has. I've changed some. Maybe not changed so much as I can feel a
small change in myself, in my habits. I
know it's too soon, and it's not going to be this smooth, but for right now I'm
OK with our arrangement.
Jim suggested that I
might want to e-mail or call two guys he knows in
OK - I need to stop
this train of thought right now before it really gets out of control. Maybe I should write him. I don't know.
Maybe it will be helpful. I
wonder if Jim has already talked to them and he is expecting my letter or
call. Maybe it will come totally out of
the blue and he will think I am a total sicko and report me to the police. Is that against the law? Not here, but maybe in
NO - I cannot
think that way. Jim and I have been talking about trust and
this is sort of a lesson in trust. I
trust Jim not to have me contact someone who is sick or wouldn’t understand and
make me even more uncomfortable. OK, I
will e-mail him. It will be OK. Just to say "hello"; don't want to
get into it about his relationship or mine or anything, just a quick note to say
"hello", yeah. OK, later, I
will e-mail him later. I have to figure
out what I want to say first and how to present myself.
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May
9, 1999 13:13 PST
Hello Blair,
My name is Damien St.
Clair and my life partner is Vincent Cade.
OK - don't hold that against me.
He is truly not that bad. :-) I
know he comes across as this hard ass, tight, anal, strict jerk and you would
be partially right. He is everything
except a jerk. LOL He
is also the love of my life and my partner for over 8 years now.
I understand what you
are going through: I was in your place not that long ago and several nice chaps
helped make my road a little smoother.
It is a difficult journey sometimes, it is hard
giving up control, admitting that you need discipline in your life and allowing
it to happen. But, believe me when I say
that you will not regret your decision.
My life is so much better, so much more in control, happier, more
fulfilled and just better because of Vin and our
relationship. I wouldn't change any of
it, except maybe to have met him earlier.
Anyway, I don't want
to pressure you. I just wanted to say
"hello", give you my e-mail address and let you know that I would
love to talk to you and that I understand.
I think it would be good for you.
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 9, 1999 19:56 PST
Hello Damien,
Thank you for writing
me, but I don’t really know what to say or ask you. Jim and I are fine. I am fine with our agreement,
I don't think I really will be disciplined much, so I guess it's not really a
thing to discuss. Thanks for writing and
I look forward to meeting you and Vincent the next time you are in the States.
Blair
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 11, 1999 12:41 PST
Blair,
I know you got in
trouble the other day for reading Jim's private e-mail, Vin
told me. You shouldn't be embarrassed
about it. It is perfectly normal to have
mixed feelings about all of this. You
were just spanked for the first time since your agreement, how do you feel?
I remember how I felt
the first time :-) I was in total shock!
LOL Vin had disciplined me a few times before we moved in together and made it
part of our life. But it was still a
surprise the first time he pulled me over his knee, jerked down my pants and
gave me a long, hard spanking for going out with some friends he told me not
to. I remember for about a week, I moped
around and pouted, thinking about what I had gotten myself into, how I was
giving up all of my freedom to some jerk who was telling me who I could go out
with and when I had to be home. I guess Vin got fed up with my pouting and behavior, so about a week
later, he wrapped me in a blanket, carried me outside and we laid down in the
hammock outside under the stars and talked.
He told me he was tired of my attitude and I could either drop it or we
would forget about the arrangement we had, but he was not going to have me
pouting every time I was punished. I lay
there, snug, safe, and protected in his arms and knew that he was right.
I am not saying that
I enjoy it or go happily along every time I get in trouble. I still pout sometimes, still complain, still try to get my way out of it. But, I am also at peace with my decision,
with Vin's control and say in my behavior - most of
the time. LOL ;-).
You know Blair, there is a large supportive network of us. As I told you, some guys helped me and I've
helped other guys. I think you will feel
better talking about it. There is
nothing to be ashamed of. I know what
you are going through and I want to help you.
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 13, 1999 20:32 PST
I don't know what to
say. Yes, I got punished, spanked, by
Jim for reading a private e-mail. I
apologized to him and to Vincent. This
is just all so new to me that I really don't even know what I'm feeling or what
to ask you. It was strange the other
day; getting punished for reading his e-mail.
I was mad about what Vincent wrote about me, I was mad that Jim was
talking to someone about us - about OUR relationship and I got all huffy with
him about that. But then, I told Jim
what I did. He knew or at least
suspected what I had done before I told him, but I confessed it. It was so weird, hearing him tell me to go
into our office and wait for him in the corner.
I was mad, afraid, but also sort of calm about it and glad that my
mistake was not going to turn into a big argument with us going to bed -
separately - angry. It was sort of like,
'ok, I messed up, we are going to address it and then it's going to be
over.' You know what I mean? LOL I don't even know if I do. :-) You know, even though I was sort of OK with
Jim punishing me, I still had trouble with it.
Just seeing him sitting there, telling me to take off my jeans and lay
over his lap freezes me in my tracks almost.
I get a cold feeling in my stomach and I don’t want it to happen. Can I ask you something? Does that still happen to you - resisting
being punished? Or are you OK with it
now? Does it get easier? I can't imagine that I will ever want Jim to
punish me. Do you?
I'm sorry for asking
so many personal questions and if you don’t feel comfortable answering some of
them or all of them, that is OK, it probably isn't any of my business anyway.
Blair
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 14, 1999 11:00 PST
Blair,
I know it is hard
right now and I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be a hard couple of
months. The first couple
always are and then, it does get easier.
I think you will find talking out some of what you are feeling will make
it better for you. I know that feeling
you are talking about, the relief that what you did has been found out and is
not lurking in the shadows any more, but also the dread knowing you are going
to be punished. It hurts to be
disciplined and I don’t know about you and Jim, ;-) but I'm not into pain. What you said about being relieved that there
wasn't going to be a fight, that is one of the things
I love the most about being in this type of relationship. Vin and I rarely
fight. We still do, but it's not the
kick down dirty fighting that I've done in past relationships. Acts don't get carried over,
they are dealt with fairly and quickly and with unconditional love and
forgiveness. I am very proud that you
confessed what you did to Jim. That is a
huge step in accepting what you did and accepting this relationship. When you confessed, you knew you were going
to be spanked, you might have hoped to get out of it, but you knew - deep down
that that wasn't going to happen. I am
still learning that, I occasionally try to get away with stuff with Vin. Take it from the
voice of experience, they ALWAYS punish you harder if
they find out on their own. :-) LOL
I am glad you asked
your questions; they are important and common ones. If you ask me something too personal, and I
can't imagine what that would be, I'll tell you. :-) Yes, I still cry, squirm, ask Vin not to spank me and try to talk my way out of it, if
that's what you mean by resisting. If
you mean, trying to run away or leave, then no, I haven't done that in
awhile. But, even that reaction -
running away - is not uncommon. I have
done it before, and you might too. Being
in a discipline relationship does get easier in time, it becomes more of the
norm and less common as my behavior improves and we are in more sync with each
other. I have asked Vin
to punish me a total of twice in eight years.
Both times, I felt really guilty about something I had done and couldn't
live with that. In those cases, I knew Vin wouldn't find out and I needed to get it out in the open
and I needed to be punished. That is
something that I *need*, that's not saying you will do that, your needs are
different. You might, at some point, ask
Jim to spank you for something you did, you might not. It just depends on your relationship and your
needs.
Can I ask you what Vin said that got you so mad? I know he can be pretty straightforward and
blunt and I hope you don't think he is rude or anything.
I hear from Vin that you guys are definitely coming over to see us in a
few months and I can't wait.
Vin is heading to
bed, so I should go too. I will talk to
you later,
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 15, 1999 18:17 PST
Hi Day,
I can't wait until we
come visit, it's been awhile since I've done much
traveling and I miss it. I used to
travel a lot with my mom when I was younger, but since I've meet Jim, I've
pretty much settled down. I miss seeing
new places all the time, meeting new people, but I don't miss hotels or bunking
down with who ever has space, living out of suitcases. LOL I am enjoying have a home - a true,
hang pictures up, paint the walls whatever color you want, home. :-) LOL
I know you say that
the first couple of months are the hardest, but it's been almost a month now
and I don’t' think that much has changed.
Maybe it won't be hard. Jim and I
are equals, we started our relationship that way and that's not going to
change. Plus, I haven't really done
anything against the rules, except that e-mail thing.
You wrote: I think you will find talking out some of
what you are feeling will make it better for you.
Who helped you? How did you find them? Were you embarrassed the fist couple of times you talked?
Jim says the same
thing, about how once you are punished for something, it's over and
forgiven. Is that really true? Does it really work that way? I'm scared that I will manage to do something
so bad that he won't forgive me. I don't
know what that would be, short of maybe cheating on him and I can't imagine
doing that, but it still scares me. Do
you ever worry that Vin is just going to decide one
day that you aren't worth the trouble and he wants someone who's perfect and doesn't
need discipline or someone to yank them back over some line when they get out
of control?
You wrote: Can I
ask you what Vin said that got you so mad? I know he can be pretty straightforward and
blunt and I hope you don't think he is rude or anything.
:-) I opened up his e-mail to Jim and the first thing that set me off was that it even existed! LOL The only thing I could think of was that my lover, my partner, was talking to a complete stranger about me!! About something private in our relationship! And, something that is embarrassing to me. I mean, I barely knew you guys and here Jim is telling some guy how I need to get my butt spanked to make sure I don't misbehave. I was so worried about how that would make me look in your eyes. Then, Vin is telling Jim to keep me on a short leash and not to put away his paddle anytime soon and to be firm with me and he called me a brat. :-( I am NOT a brat!
The next morning
after I read that e-mail, we lay together in bed and talked about what he wrote. Jim explained to me that he didn't see me as
a pet or anything. Something I threw in his face after the "short
leash" comment and that "brat" is a loving term and not meant to
be mean or nasty, just sort of a pet name for, I guess, disciplinees. LOL We talked about
how he and no one involved in this type of relationship would see me as being
weak, just because I am being punished occasionally. That was one thing that stung the most about
that e-mail - you thinking I was weak or childish or less of a man or
something.
I want to thank you,
Day, for reaching out to me. Vin and Jim both suggested that I talk to you, and I was
trying to get my courage up, but it was hard.
I know this is right for our relationship, but it is hard and just takes
some getting used to, I guess. I am
having trouble finding the words for what I'm feeling. I can't explain it. LOL I hope you
understand.
I need to run, dinner
to cook, but I will talk to you later,
B.
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 17, 1999 09:41 PST
Hi B
You will love
<< Jim and I are equals, we started our relationship that way and that's not going to change.>>
Yeah, so? :-) Vin and I are equals.
Allowing one person to have some control over your behavior does not
make you any less equal unless you allow it too. I am independent, have my own opinion and
have no fear about voicing it. I can honestly say that Vin
has never punished me for disagreeing with him, as long as behavior is within
the rules that *we* agreed to. Vin and I may not have started out as equals, but since we
have been lovers, it has been a 50/50 relationship.
<< Who helped you? How did you find them? Were you embarrassed fist couple of times you talked?>>
Vin had several friends who were involved in similar
relationships. Vin
himself had been in a discipline relationship when he was younger and was still
in contact with his old partner. The
first couple of times we got together, I barely spoke. I was embarrassed that all of the guys we
were with knew that I was getting my butt spanked when I misbehaved. But then, the three "brats" - for
lack of a better term invited me out, each one told me about their lives and
their different agreements and I was a lot more comfortable. It just sort of dawned on me that it really
didn’t matter if they knew or not, they accepted the arrangement, understood
the benefits and fully supported it.
<< Do you ever worry that Vin is just going to decide one day that you aren't worth the trouble and he wants someone who's perfect and doesn't need discipline or someone to yank them back over some line when they get out of control?>>
No, Vin knows who I am, what I need right now and he accepts
that. Jim is the same way. I can't imagine him getting into a
relationship like this if he didn't see it for life. I think that everyone wants, at least some of
the time, to give up control, to know exactly where the boundaries are and how
to act. It gives you the freedom, at
least for me, to find out exactly who I am and find out different things about
myself. I think you will find that. Do you ever feel like you are performing for
the world? That you have to be a certain
way or act a certain way otherwise something will happen?
I understand your
anger over Vin's comments. He wrote them for Jim, knowing Jim would know
exactly what he meant. Not for you
:-) Vin
occasionally puts me on a short leash if he feels I am really getting out of
control. A few months of tight rules,
strict discipline, and not a lot of slack gets me back to where I think I
should be. I think that is something you
and Jim are going to be going through.
He is going to be strict with you, he is going
to be firm. You are going to have to
readjust your boundaries and behavior and expectations and that is not easy,
but you'll get through it.
I'm glad you are
happy and getting stuff from our conversations.
I'm enjoying them too.
Vin just got home and says "hello" and I have to get
off. I am only supposed to be on the
computer for a couple of hours a day and I am quickly approaching my time
limit. I have been in enough trouble
this week already. I swear to you, Vin can be such a stickler for rules and stuff.
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 17, 1999 21:17 PST
Hi!
I hope you didn't get
into any trouble about e-mailing me this morning. Jim threatened to take my computer because I
was up working late on something for school a few days ago
I would love to visit
You wrote: Vin and I are
equals. Allowing one person to have some
control over your behavior does not make you any less equal unless you allow it
too.
That is what I'm working through right now. It's like intellectually I understand that, but emotionally - I'm still working on it.
You wrote: Vin and I may not have
started out as equals, but since we have been lovers, it has been a 50/50
relationship.
That is pretty cool
that you have such a supportive network of friends. I don't have that, no one knows about this,
except you. I can't imagine everyone knowing about my agreement with Jim
though. Do you think, maybe, if it's not
a problem, I can meet your friends? If
they don’t want to, it's not a problem.
You wrote: I think
that everyone wants, at least some of the time, to give up control, to know
exactly where the boundaries are and how to act. It gives you the freedom, at least for me, to
find out exactly who I am and find out different things about myself. I think you will find that. Do you ever feel like you are performing for
the world? That you have to be a certain
way or act a certain way other wise something will happen?
Yeah, I do feel like that. I've been at school, being smart, being funny, being a good, outstanding student for the majority of my life. Now that I'm working for Jim and since I'm not a cop, as everyone is very fond of pointing out to me, I feel like I have to prove that I belong and can handle everything and that I'm an asset to the station, not just as Jim's partner.
Please say hello to Vin for me.
Blair
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 19, 1999 11:00 PST
Hi Blair,
This is going to have
to be a short note. I am grounded from
the computer for a week for playing on it too much and not getting some stuff
done that I was supposed to. But, I
didn’t want to leave you hanging either.
I am sure that we can
all get together when you and Jim come over.
We can have an informal dinner party or something. It will be fun and I think you'll get a lot
out of it.
You asked how Vin and I met :-)
Funny story and it will give you a good laugh until I talk to you next
week.
We've been together for
8,9 years. We
had been together for about almost a year when Jim stayed with us after his
trip to
Need to go, Vin is making rude comments.
Day
THE END
We hope we have
entertained you. Thank you for reading.