BETWEEN THE LINES

 

Spring Communication

 

By Mason-Dixon

 

 

 

Authorsí disclaimer: The Sentinel and all related characters are the property of Paramount Pictures and Pet Fly Productions. No copyright infringement intended.

 

WARNING: This story contains non-sexual, disciplinary spanking; it is slash and adult in nature.

 

 

May 1, 1999

 

May Day, the celebration of spring, new life, rebirth, a new beginning, seems appropriate some how.Jim and I have had our arrangement for about two weeks now and nothing much has changed.He is not dragging me home every day at 5 beating me. LOLI guess it's wrong to say nothing has changed, a lot actually has.I've changed some.Maybe not changed so much as I can feel a small change in myself, in my habits.I know it's too soon, and it's not going to be this smooth, but for right now I'm OK with our arrangement.

 

Jim suggested that I might want to e-mail or call two guys he knows in England, Vincent Cade and Damien St. Clair.According to what Jim told me at the cabin, they have been involved in a discipline relationship for years now.I donít know.I don't know if I could actually admit to someone that I - Blair Jacob Sandburg, almost Ph.D. and adult - am allowing someone to make decisions for me, to almost tell me what to do and punish me if I don't do it.I don't know.Could you admit that to someone?I mean, what if this Damien guy is an angel, what if he hasn't really been in trouble in years or he was, but only when he was younger and thinks it's childish and horrible that someone my age would, could, accept something like this?What if he thinks I'm weak or just a total screw up or wants Jim to beat me because I am into pain or something?Oh God....

 

OK - I need to stop this train of thought right now before it really gets out of control.Maybe I should write him.I don't know.Maybe it will be helpful.I wonder if Jim has already talked to them and he is expecting my letter or call.Maybe it will come totally out of the blue and he will think I am a total sicko and report me to the police.Is that against the law?Not here, but maybe in EnglandÖ

 

NO - I cannot think that way.Jim and I have been talking about trust and this is sort of a lesson in trust.I trust Jim not to have me contact someone who is sick or wouldnít understand and make me even more uncomfortable.OK, I will e-mail him.It will be OK.Just to say "hello"; don't want to get into it about his relationship or mine or anything, just a quick note to say "hello", yeah.OK, later, I will e-mail him later.I have to figure out what I want to say first and how to present myself.

 

 

 

 

From:††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

May 9, 1999 13:13 PST

 

Hello Blair,

 

My name is Damien St. Clair and my life partner is Vincent Cade.OK - don't hold that against me.He is truly not that bad. :-)I know he comes across as this hard ass, tight, anal, strict jerk and you would be partially right.He is everything except a jerk. LOLHe is also the love of my life and my partner for over 8 years now.

 

I understand what you are going through: I was in your place not that long ago and several nice chaps helped make my road a little smoother.It is a difficult journey sometimes, it is hard giving up control, admitting that you need discipline in your life and allowing it to happen.But, believe me when I say that you will not regret your decision.My life is so much better, so much more in control, happier, more fulfilled and just better because of Vin and our relationship.I wouldn't change any of it, except maybe to have met him earlier.

 

Anyway, I don't want to pressure you.I just wanted to say "hello", give you my e-mail address and let you know that I would love to talk to you and that I understand.I think it would be good for you.

 

Day

 

 

 

 

From: †††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

May 9, 1999 19:56 PST

 

Hello Damien,

 

Thank you for writing me, but I donít really know what to say or ask you.Jim and I are fine.I am fine with our agreement, I don't think I really will be disciplined much, so I guess it's not really a thing to discuss.Thanks for writing and I look forward to meeting you and Vincent the next time you are in the States.

 

Blair

 

 

 

From:††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

May 11, 1999 12:41 PST

 

Blair,

 

I know you got in trouble the other day for reading Jim's private e-mail, Vin told me.You shouldn't be embarrassed about it.It is perfectly normal to have mixed feelings about all of this.You were just spanked for the first time since your agreement, how do you feel?

 

I remember how I felt the first time :-)I was in total shock! LOL Vin had disciplined me a few times before we moved in together and made it part of our life.But it was still a surprise the first time he pulled me over his knee, jerked down my pants and gave me a long, hard spanking for going out with some friends he told me not to.I remember for about a week, I moped around and pouted, thinking about what I had gotten myself into, how I was giving up all of my freedom to some jerk who was telling me who I could go out with and when I had to be home.I guess Vin got fed up with my pouting and behavior, so about a week later, he wrapped me in a blanket, carried me outside and we laid down in the hammock outside under the stars and talked.He told me he was tired of my attitude and I could either drop it or we would forget about the arrangement we had, but he was not going to have me pouting every time I was punished.I lay there, snug, safe, and protected in his arms and knew that he was right.

 

I am not saying that I enjoy it or go happily along every time I get in trouble.I still pout sometimes, still complain, still try to get my way out of it.But, I am also at peace with my decision, with Vin's control and say in my behavior - most of the time. LOL ;-).

 

You know Blair, there is a large supportive network of us.As I told you, some guys helped me and I've helped other guys.I think you will feel better talking about it.There is nothing to be ashamed of.I know what you are going through and I want to help you.

 

Day

 

 

 

 

From: †††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

May 13, 1999 20:32 PST

 

I don't know what to say.Yes, I got punished, spanked, by Jim for reading a private e-mail.I apologized to him and to Vincent.This is just all so new to me that I really don't even know what I'm feeling or what to ask you.It was strange the other day; getting punished for reading his e-mail.I was mad about what Vincent wrote about me, I was mad that Jim was talking to someone about us - about OUR relationship and I got all huffy with him about that.But then, I told Jim what I did.He knew or at least suspected what I had done before I told him, but I confessed it.It was so weird, hearing him tell me to go into our office and wait for him in the corner.I was mad, afraid, but also sort of calm about it and glad that my mistake was not going to turn into a big argument with us going to bed - separately - angry.It was sort of like, 'ok, I messed up, we are going to address it and then it's going to be over.'You know what I mean?LOLI don't even know if I do. :-)†† You know, even though I was sort of OK with Jim punishing me, I still had trouble with it.Just seeing him sitting there, telling me to take off my jeans and lay over his lap freezes me in my tracks almost.I get a cold feeling in my stomach and I donít want it to happen.Can I ask you something?Does that still happen to you - resisting being punished?Or are you OK with it now?Does it get easier?I can't imagine that I will ever want Jim to punish me.Do you?

 

I'm sorry for asking so many personal questions and if you donít feel comfortable answering some of them or all of them, that is OK, it probably isn't any of my business anyway.

 

Blair

 

 

 

 

From:††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

May 14, 1999 11:00 PST

 

 

Blair,

 

I know it is hard right now and I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be a hard couple of months.The first couple always are and then, it does get easier.I think you will find talking out some of what you are feeling will make it better for you.I know that feeling you are talking about, the relief that what you did has been found out and is not lurking in the shadows any more, but also the dread knowing you are going to be punished.It hurts to be disciplined and I donít know about you and Jim, ;-)but I'm not into pain.What you said about being relieved that there wasn't going to be a fight, that is one of the things I love the most about being in this type of relationship.Vin and I rarely fight.We still do, but it's not the kick down dirty fighting that I've done in past relationships.Acts don't get carried over, they are dealt with fairly and quickly and with unconditional love and forgiveness.I am very proud that you confessed what you did to Jim.That is a huge step in accepting what you did and accepting this relationship.When you confessed, you knew you were going to be spanked, you might have hoped to get out of it, but you knew - deep down that that wasn't going to happen.I am still learning that, I occasionally try to get away with stuff with Vin.Take it from the voice of experience, they ALWAYS punish you harder if they find out on their own. :-) LOL

 

I am glad you asked your questions; they are important and common ones.If you ask me something too personal, and I can't imagine what that would be, I'll tell you. :-)Yes, I still cry, squirm, ask Vin not to spank me and try to talk my way out of it, if that's what you mean by resisting.If you mean, trying to run away or leave, then no, I haven't done that in awhile.But, even that reaction - running away - is not uncommon.I have done it before, and you might too.Being in a discipline relationship does get easier in time, it becomes more of the norm and less common as my behavior improves and we are in more sync with each other.I have asked Vin to punish me a total of twice in eight years.Both times, I felt really guilty about something I had done and couldn't live with that.In those cases, I knew Vin wouldn't find out and I needed to get it out in the open and I needed to be punished.That is something that I *need*, that's not saying you will do that, your needs are different.You might, at some point, ask Jim to spank you for something you did, you might not.It just depends on your relationship and your needs.

 

Can I ask you what Vin said that got you so mad?I know he can be pretty straightforward and blunt and I hope you don't think he is rude or anything.

 

I hear from Vin that you guys are definitely coming over to see us in a few months and I can't wait.Salisbury is a great little town.The Cathedral is amazing and we can go visit Stonehenge, which isn't too far.

 

Vin is heading to bed, so I should go too.I will talk to you later,

 

Day

 

From: †††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

May 15, 1999 18:17 PST

 

Hi Day,

 

I can't wait until we come visit, it's been awhile since I've done much traveling and I miss it.I used to travel a lot with my mom when I was younger, but since I've meet Jim, I've pretty much settled down.I miss seeing new places all the time, meeting new people, but I don't miss hotels or bunking down with who ever has space, living out of suitcases. LOLI am enjoying have a home - a true, hang pictures up, paint the walls whatever color you want, home. :-) LOL

 

I know you say that the first couple of months are the hardest, but it's been almost a month now and I donít' think that much has changed.Maybe it won't be hard.Jim and I are equals, we started our relationship that way and that's not going to change.Plus, I haven't really done anything against the rules, except that e-mail thing.

 

You wrote: I think you will find talking out some of what you are feeling will make it better for you.

 

Who helped you?How did you find them? Were you embarrassed the fist couple of times you talked?

 

Jim says the same thing, about how once you are punished for something, it's over and forgiven.Is that really true?Does it really work that way?I'm scared that I will manage to do something so bad that he won't forgive me. I don't know what that would be, short of maybe cheating on him and I can't imagine doing that, but it still scares me.Do you ever worry that Vin is just going to decide one day that you aren't worth the trouble and he wants someone who's perfect and doesn't need discipline or someone to yank them back over some line when they get out of control?

 

You wrote:Can I ask you what Vin said that got you so mad?I know he can be pretty straightforward and blunt and I hope you don't think he is rude or anything.

:-)I opened up his e-mail to Jim and the first thing that set me off was that it even existed! LOLThe only thing I could think of was that my lover, my partner, was talking to a complete stranger about me!!About something private in our relationship!And, something that is embarrassing to me.†† I mean, I barely knew you guys and here Jim is telling some guy how I need to get my butt spanked to make sure I don't misbehave.I was so worried about how that would make me look in your eyes.Then, Vin is telling Jim to keep me on a short leash and not to put away his paddle anytime soon and to be firm with me and he called me a brat. :-(I am NOT a brat!

 

The next morning after I read that e-mail, we lay together in bed and talked about what he wrote.Jim explained to me that he didn't see me as a pet or anything. Something I threw in his face after the "short leash" comment and that "brat" is a loving term and not meant to be mean or nasty, just sort of a pet name for, I guess, disciplinees. LOL We talked about how he and no one involved in this type of relationship would see me as being weak, just because I am being punished occasionally.That was one thing that stung the most about that e-mail - you thinking I was weak or childish or less of a man or something.

 

I want to thank you, Day, for reaching out to me.Vin and Jim both suggested that I talk to you, and I was trying to get my courage up, but it was hard.I know this is right for our relationship, but it is hard and just takes some getting used to, I guess.I am having trouble finding the words for what I'm feeling.I can't explain it. LOL I hope you understand.

 

I need to run, dinner to cook, but I will talk to you later,

 

B.

 

 

From:††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

May 17, 1999 09:41 PST

 

 

Hi B

 

You will love Salisbury.It's a cute little town.The Cathedral is amazing and Stonehenge is not that far. LOLWhen you are here, we should go up one night if there are any druid holidays around then.They close the site during the major ones, but it's easy to just walk up to and avoid the main road.I know what you mean about traveling.My dad was an American and my mom was British and even before I came over here to go to school, we were back and forth and all over with my dad's work.

 

<< Jim and I are equals, we started our relationship that way and that's not going to change.>>

Yeah, so? :-)Vin and I are equals.Allowing one person to have some control over your behavior does not make you any less equal unless you allow it too.I am independent, have my own opinion and have no fear about voicing it. I can honestly say that Vin has never punished me for disagreeing with him, as long as behavior is within the rules that *we* agreed to.†† Vin and I may not have started out as equals, but since we have been lovers, it has been a 50/50 relationship.

 

<<Who helped you?How did you find them? Were you embarrassed fist couple of times you talked?>>

 

Vin had several friends who were involved in similar relationships.Vin himself had been in a discipline relationship when he was younger and was still in contact with his old partner.The first couple of times we got together, I barely spoke.I was embarrassed that all of the guys we were with knew that I was getting my butt spanked when I misbehaved.†† But then, the three "brats" - for lack of a better term invited me out, each one told me about their lives and their different agreements and I was a lot more comfortable.It just sort of dawned on me that it really didnít matter if they knew or not, they accepted the arrangement, understood the benefits and fully supported it.

 

<< Do you ever worry that Vin is just going to decide one day that you aren't worth the trouble and he wants someone who's perfect and doesn't need discipline or someone to yank them back over some line when they get out of control?>>

No, Vin knows who I am, what I need right now and he accepts that.Jim is the same way.I can't imagine him getting into a relationship like this if he didn't see it for life.I think that everyone wants, at least some of the time, to give up control, to know exactly where the boundaries are and how to act.It gives you the freedom, at least for me, to find out exactly who I am and find out different things about myself.I think you will find that.Do you ever feel like you are performing for the world?That you have to be a certain way or act a certain way otherwise something will happen?

 

I understand your anger over Vin's comments.He wrote them for Jim, knowing Jim would know exactly what he meant.Not for you :-)Vin occasionally puts me on a short leash if he feels I am really getting out of control.A few months of tight rules, strict discipline, and not a lot of slack gets me back to where I think I should be.I think that is something you and Jim are going to be going through.He is going to be strict with you, he is going to be firm.You are going to have to readjust your boundaries and behavior and expectations and that is not easy, but you'll get through it.

 

I'm glad you are happy and getting stuff from our conversations.I'm enjoying them too.

 

Vin just got home and says "hello" and I have to get off.I am only supposed to be on the computer for a couple of hours a day and I am quickly approaching my time limit.I have been in enough trouble this week already.I swear to you, Vin can be such a stickler for rules and stuff.

 

Day

 

 

 

From: †††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

May 17, 1999 21:17 PST

 

 

Hi!

 

I hope you didn't get into any trouble about e-mailing me this morning.Jim threatened to take my computer because I was up working late on something for school a few days ago

 

I would love to visit Stonehenge, if possible, during a holiday.The Druids and their followers are such an old religion and culture, so much history with them.Did you know that some people believe that Christ, during his missing years, traveled to England and met with the druids and took some of his teachings from them?

 

You wrote:Vin and I are equals.Allowing one person to have some control over your behavior does not make you any less equal unless you allow it too.

That is what I'm working through right now.It's like intellectually I understand that, but emotionally - I'm still working on it.

 

You wrote:Vin and I may not have started out as equals, but since we have been lovers, it has been a 50/50 relationship.

How did you guys meet?Have you always been in a relationship?

 

That is pretty cool that you have such a supportive network of friends.I don't have that, no one knows about this, except you. I can't imagine everyone knowing about my agreement with Jim though.Do you think, maybe, if it's not a problem, I can meet your friends?If they donít want to, it's not a problem.

 

You wrote:I think that everyone wants, at least some of the time, to give up control, to know exactly where the boundaries are and how to act.It gives you the freedom, at least for me, to find out exactly who I am and find out different things about myself.I think you will find that.Do you ever feel like you are performing for the world?That you have to be a certain way or act a certain way other wise something will happen?

Yeah, I do feel like that.I've been at school, being smart, being funny, being a good, outstanding student for the majority of my life.Now that I'm working for Jim and since I'm not a cop, as everyone is very fond of pointing out to me,I feel like I have to prove that I belong and can handle everything and that I'm an asset to the station, not just as Jim's partner.

 

Please say hello to Vin for me.

 

Blair

 

 

From:††††††††††† Damien St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)

To: ††††††††††††††††† Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)

May 19, 1999 11:00 PST

 

Hi Blair,

 

This is going to have to be a short note.I am grounded from the computer for a week for playing on it too much and not getting some stuff done that I was supposed to.But, I didnít want to leave you hanging either.

 

I am sure that we can all get together when you and Jim come over.We can have an informal dinner party or something.It will be fun and I think you'll get a lot out of it.

 

You asked how Vin and I met :-)Funny story and it will give you a good laugh until I talk to you next week.

 

We've been together for 8,9 years.We had been together for about almost a year when Jim stayed with us after his trip to Peru.I'm 31, didn't know if you knew that :-)†† I was in England with a group of....environmentalists.Vin calls them environmental terrorist, but I think that's too harsh.The British/Canadian government and several big companies were working out a deal to ship and store hazardous materials up in the northern part of Canada.We knew where the company presidents and lawyers were staying and were picketing around their hotels, picketing the meeting areas, generally being annoying.†† Several of our members were arrested after they climbed down the side of the hotel and taped signs over the company's hotel rooms with big arrows saying "environment rapist here" and stuff like that.I was around the back of the hotel one morning and I saw the president of GAQ, Inc. coming out from the parking desk.Thinking he was trying to by pass us and the press, I threw myself on the car to prevent him from getting to the meeting. LOLOk, seemed like a good idea at the time. LOL Well, I missed.I hit the windshield, cracked that and then rolled off when the driver swerved.It turned out not to be the president of this company - it was a very mad, but concerned Vincent Cade.I ended up with some bad bruises, nasty scrapes, a concussion and my lover. :-)

 

Need to go, Vin is making rude comments.

 

Day

 

THE END

 

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